The Hands of My Heart: Struggling with Death Grip

Today was tough. Very emotional as we worshipped together with our beloved Ticos this morning. God's presence was there. I sobbed to the point that I couldn't vocally project. Although I am at peace with God's desire to change our direction, I am in turmoil about leaving our beloved family in Costa Rica behind. I hurt every time that another person cries upon receiving the news. It was a tough day.

I am trying to think of a way for others to process this without feeling abandoned. I want people to glorify God through this more than they sob. Though it's painful, I want everyone affected to praise God for His purpose and plan. And while I want this, it's just not easy. Oh how I long to console our loved ones here, but fall short of knowing what to say. In my heart and mind, I know and understand God's will in this and why the separation is necessary, but I can't articulate it very well in Spanish. It's not because we don't care about them!!! In fact, in many ways, it is because we love them so deeply, though this will take time to reveal.

So I was inspired to write this morning. Pastor Miguel thought I was on Facebook during his sermon(lol), but I was really caught up in God's Word and in our place in life. I was thinking about the beauty and necessity of God over all things, even over all relationships, no matter how we might elevate others in our lives. At best, God has entrusted people to our service and love these past 2 years, He never was depending on us, He was just positioning us to glorify Himself through caring for others.

I am excited about our new direction, but I am sad to be leaving. I literally have a death grip on these people with the hands of my heart, and I need God to peel back my fingers and let Him continue to sustain them in His power and ways as He always has been doing. Below are some words I was playing with today. At best, a rough draft for a future song...

-JH



Suspended in between
The past and what is new
And what You're going to do
For my life belongs to You

No, I don't want to leave
All the blessings we've endured
So in love I am found clinging to
what has always been Yours

The tears, they flow, I cannot speak
I struggle in imagining
Me living life without those, You've been loving through me

Death grip is my condition
I don't want to let go of the illusion,
the control of who I get to love

So peel back the fingers of my heart
And wrap them around everything that You are
As You take away what You've given to me
And You take my life again as an offering
for You my King.
I can rest in knowing, only You sustain